What I learned in the first three months of pregnant fatherhood.
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Finally. After months—or years—of trying, she’s finally pregnant. Could there be a more joyful moment in a young couple’s life?
My wife and I tried to get pregnant for nearly two years. Already in our mid-30s, we began to get concerned that something might be wrong. Three visits to the fertility clinic later, we were assured that everything was in working order. It just hadn’t worked.
So, when the pregnancy test revealed two lines the next month, we were elated. Whether your situation is similar or a pregnancy caught you off guard, a committed partner has a lot of changes in store during the first trimester. Your wife or girlfriend is experiencing significant hormonal and physical changes. Pair that with the heightened, strong emotions that accompany any major life transition, and you’re about to discover new sides of your partner you’ve never seen before.
Nesting
At the beginning of a pregnancy, you can expect your partner to obsess over being ready for the baby—even if she’s never been a planner. Your job is to allay those concerns (nine months is a long time) while also getting the ball in motion. Whether it’s remodeling or painting a nursery or adding a second bathroom, the urge to nest is real at this stage.
In our case, pregnancy was the impetus to finally get moving on our living room remodel. We’d been living on subfloors with area rugs since ripping out the carpet, and the peeling, crumbling corners weren’t an ideal bring-baby-home-to habitat. Three months later, our whole house is a construction zone. Six months is a long time too, right?
Takeaway: Talk about the environment you want to bring your baby home to, and if it’s not the situation you’re already in, start making an action plan, whether that’s searching for a bigger apartment, shopping for your first home or renovating the house you live in.
Morning Sickness
People seem to share horror stories far more often than happy stories, whether that’s in online reviews or tales of pregnancy. The truth is, most women don’t wake up and vomit every morning for the first three months they’re pregnant (that doesn’t mean yours won’t!). Even if her symptoms are mild, she’s going to feel different, and at times, tired and not well. That may be in the morning or it may be at night, or it could just be whenever she’s gone a few minutes too long without anything to eat.
Takeaway: Perhaps more than ever before, your partner needs rest during the first trimester. Help her to go to bed early and to sleep in, when possible.
Appearance
My wife had a significant loss of appetite during the first trimester, including aversions to foods she typically loves, like kale. She worried that she wasn’t getting enough healthy food to the baby, while also fretting over her own weight gain (in the second trimester, her appetite is back and she’s now on to the craving phase).
Takeaway: Reassure her that she’s beautiful as her body changes. Even though a woman is supposed to gain weight during pregnancy—and not just in her belly—she needs to be reminded that she is still attractive to you.
Health
Get ready, guys—you are no longer the first priority. Even though this new human may be the size of a lentil bean inside of her, your wife’s number one reason for existence right now is to nurture this new life. She may hop on the internet and discover that the cobia filet she ate for dinner last night could contain mercury and immediately break into tears. Comfort her, and refer these concerns (however undue or hysterical) to her doctor to reassure her that it’s fine (or take action, if it’s not!).
Takeaway: Go to your wife’s doctor’s appointments with her, even if it’s inconvenient and you have to use your days off from work. It’s important that you have a relationship with her doctor too, so that you can make decisions together related to the baby’s health. Plus, it keeps you informed on her progress, and you definitely don’t want to miss the ultrasounds when you get to see your child for the first time.
Note: This includes any hospital tours or birthing center visits! Don’t send your wife there alone, or you’ll face a disappointed partner and you won’t be able to weigh in on any decisions about where she gives birth.
Travel
A first pregnancy is the time when every couple profoundly asks, “Did we do everything we wanted to do before this (the end of life as we know it)?” The answer, for everyone, is no. Life is a constant adventure, and this is just the next phase. Still, the first trimester is a time when your wife can still do most things she did before pregnancy (minus scuba diving and extreme sports).
Takeaway: If you’ve been meaning to get out to California to drive the Big Sur coast, or simply to take a weekend away to the mountains, go ahead and book it. The more time you spend together making happy memories during pregnancy, the more fondly you’ll look back on this time and the more you’ll be ready for the birth of your child.
Emotions
Hormones aside (and they are a major factor), pregnancy is a significant life change for both a man and a woman. It’s bound to stir up subconscious feelings and bring out aspects of your partner’s personality you’ve never seen before. If tensions rise, take a breath. Stress is not good for an unborn baby!
Takeaway: Keep your partner calm and be willing to compromise where you might have drawn a harder line before. Don’t feel like you need that expensive bassinet she’s eying online? Jump in and help her shop for the perfect crib (something you definitely do need).
Men, are you ready? Of course not. Nobody ever is. Living with a pregnant partner is something we learn on the fly. Remain calm. Derail small arguments by suggesting you shop for baby clothes together, even if it’s just window shopping (baby clothes are guaranteed to make any pregnant woman smile).
Remember that she’s not herself, because she never will be again. Your partner is being transformed into an entirely new person—from now on, she’s a mother. Although your hormone levels aren’t fluctuating as wildly, you’re being changed as well. You’re now a father. Enjoy this feeling and period of transformation!
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Photo: Courtesy of author
Stratton Lawrence is a writer based in Folly Beach, South Carolina, where he lives with his pregnant wife, photographer Hunter McRae. He’s currently mid-DIY-renovation of his 1930s beach cottage, with a due date deadline looming to prepare the house, finish the nursery and adorn it with a beautiful crib for his soon-to-arrive first child. Stratton frequently writes for ebay where he’ll be shopping for baby clothes, a stroller and all the other baby supplies he and Hunter need to prepare for their new arrival. You can connect with Stratton at StrattonLawrence.com
The post The First Trimester: A Man’s Role and Perspective appeared first on The Good Men Project.
